Thursday 3 May 2012

The Writer's Voice contest entry #130

Really pleased to have made it - my lucky number really is 13! Kudos to everyone who got in (Glad I don't have to do that every day/week) and commiserations to those who didn't.


Archer 
Middle grade historical fantasy


Plot summary from query

Archer doesn’t belong. In case he has any doubts, Edlyn will go to any lengths to show him that he never could.

At fourteen, Edlyn’s gang jump Archer in the woods, tie him to a tree and try to teach him some respect. It nearly costs Archer the affection of his only friend Patricia, but no one likes being called treacherous, do they? On the plus side, he gains a couple of loyal friends. During the trio’s first road trip, a band of fierce renegades learn a thing or two about courage and audacity, and a charismatic Celtic drummer band turns the incident into a song.

At sixteen, Archer competes with his friends
in a graduation competition to see who is worthy of being crowned May King and Queen. Although Edlyn tries hard to sabotage Archer’s chances, they both get through to the final round. There’s a gleeful moment when Archer takes to the stage as Robin Hood, attracting plenty of female admirers, but it’s Patricia he wants to kiss.

When Archer carved the yew stave given to him by Oxford’s master bowman, drops of his blood awoke the powerful tree spirit. The stave was from the same tree Edlyn tied Archer to years earlier, and the enchantress wants revenge for Edlyn’s thoughtless cruelty. While everyone else enjoys the Beltane feast, she entices him into the ceremonial bonfire. Archer is faced with the ultimate dilemma - does he defy her and risk his life to save his nemesis, or simply walk away?

Although it has a distinctly medieval feel, ‘ARCHER’ is set in a modern-day, alternate England where teenagers enjoy archery and jousting instead of football and Facebook. With echoes of the film ‘A Knight’s Tale’ and the series ‘Merlin,’ this story will appeal to young teens, fans of Philip Pullman/Rick Riordan, and adults who enjoy historical adventures laced with humour and a dash of romance.

250 word extract

‘C’mon Archer, you can do it!’
‘Go for it Finn!’ 

Sitting astride his stallion Apollo, Archer grinned as people in the crowd shouted encouragement. He spotted his friends; they were Finn’s friends too and obviously didn’t know who to support. Some of them looked worried, but Fletch didn’t care, holding up victory fists to both contenders in turn. The buzz of excitement was affecting everyone and Archer felt the familiar thrill of blood pumping through his veins. Months of effort had gone into the preparations and people had travelled from miles around to celebrate Beltane, the Festival of the May.

‘Good luck, mate.’ Tybalt, Archer’s Second, held up his shield. ‘May the best man win.’
‘Man? Don’t you mean Junior?’ Archer was secretly delighted by the idea, as he slipped his gauntlet through the shield straps and took the reins.
‘No, Archer. Today, you and Finn are men.’ Tybalt handed over the lance, then, with an anxious look in Finn’s direction, walked to the dais to prepare for the tributes.

Looking down the tilt at his opponent, Archer felt the warmth of brotherhood. No, Finn was more than a brother, they did not argue as siblings did. Professor Niall had pronounced them the only pair ready for the joust – all the other boys had settled for the rings.

Archer shivered, despite the sunshine. This wasn’t the same as an ordinary practice. The enthusiasm of the crowd made it more exciting than anything he had ever done in his life.


47 comments:

  1. Hi Jacky. Thanks for stopping by my blog! I bet Archer and Lee would get along indeed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Except that Lee is a bit of a bad lad and Archer is so upright it's not true! I think they would be good for each other. I feel a collaboration coming on ...
      Cheers
      Jacky

      Delete
  2. I'm stopping by from the contest to say good luck! I love archery (I've always wished to shoot an arrow) and I love books/movies about archery too. Any book with archery is a winner for me :) Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    2. Thanks so much SC.
      Ever since I watched Kevin Hicks at Warwick Castle loose 100 arrows through a piece of rope the size of a man's head in 5 minutes, I have been hooked! It’s like he awoke the warrior within me. Last September at a festival, my recurve arms meant that my elbow got in the way and I sported a sizeable bruise throughout the signing – it went well with the medieval noble-woman’s dress!
      Cheers
      Jacky

      Delete
  3. Sounds cool! Your query was a little confusing for me, but I loved the first 250 :-)
    Good luck in the contest!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Darci - sorry you were confused - having stripped a load of info out of the query, I put it all back in this time. Guess I'll be taking it out again!
      Cheers
      Jacky
      xxx

      Delete
  4. Bullies. My opinion of them is pretty low. I like your premise, a world where kids do, instead of thinking that never tearing their eyes off a computer or "smart" phone is living.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks CG,
      As a teenage victim of gross bullying, I guess it's a topic dear to my heart. As a High School Math Teacher I still see it going on, daily.
      We have the whole numbers thing in common - 130 is so special to me that I asked the universe to give me that slot (after I missed out on 13 due to gross incompetence). Thankfully, the universe was feeling generous.
      Cheers
      Jacky
      xxx

      Delete
    2. This has prompted me to post about bullying on my underused blog. I'd love to hear your comments on what I have to say about it.

      Delete
    3. Dear Charles (hope I’ve got that right – can’t find where I saw it),
      You are so right, “bullies are cowards who take out their inadequacy on others.” As for feeling feel bad about themselves, well, welcome to the world!
      Cheers
      Jacky
      xxx
      P.S. I don’t remember you from ABNA, did you frequent the Pitch thread? My alter-ego there was Rowanna.

      Delete
  5. Sounds like a really cool premise! I'd love to read more - though I do think you could tighten up the query a little bit. And I LOVE the opening - the archery scene is great!

    Good luck with the contest!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your kind comments Jamie, I am learning all the time about what makes a good query. Having stripped a load of info out of the query, I put it all back in this time. Guess I'll be taking it out again! BTW – I think you meant the Jousting scene – the archery comes later. Easy to get sidetracked with all those pix of cool Archers on the blog.
      Cheers and extra bundle of luck from one JG to another.
      Jacky
      xxx

      Delete
  6. I love the pictures on this blog, however having read Archer I can say that Jacky disproves that old adage. Jacky's written descriptions of the jousts and the archery are worth far more than these splendid photos. Archer has well developed characters in what seems to be quite a unique setting these days. Let's see I had a bow when I was 10 ... I wonder where it is ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your kind compliments. Try looking in the cupboard under the stairs, or in that tatty old box up in the attic.
      Cheers mate
      Jacky
      xxx

      Delete
  7. I agree. This story sounds interesting. I always loved the Robin Hood legend, so I'd probably pick it up. If you tighten your query - focus on the main conflict and turning points of the story - you'll be even better at drawing people into your pages. Good luck in the contest!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your kind comment, I am learning all the time about what makes a good query.
      Cheers
      Jacky
      xxx

      Delete
  8. Jacky, this sounds like a great adventure. Good luck and thank you so much for emailing me your comment, I'll add it to my blog post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Jani,
      This is so weird – I tried three times yesterday to add my comment to your blog and it wouldn’t let me in. Today when I tried to reply on my blog, it reverted to the login screen. There is obvious some powerful magic going on between two JG’s (actually there are four of us with a gray/grey surname, one brown and one black. Not a particularly colourful bunch!).
      Best of luck to you too.
      Cheers
      Jacky
      xxx

      Delete
  9. Good luck in the contest :D This book looks like fun!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks TL,
      Your book had me on the 'Hero Complex' - know all about that one! :)
      Cheers
      Jacky
      xxx

      Delete
  10. Good luck in the contest, love to see other MG entries! -April, #61

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks April,
      Good luck to you and your monsters!
      Cheers
      Jacky
      xxx

      Delete
  11. This sounds awesome! Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Stef,
      Good luck to you too.
      Cheers
      Jacky
      xxx

      Delete
  12. Any people that are people of the horse are all right by me. This sounds like a kid-friendly adventure. Best of luck in this contest.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jaye,
      I'm hoping kids of all age will enjoy Archer's adventures (so far the youngest is 10, the oldest 74).
      My Archer has a lot in common with your Sadie - apart from the courage and determination, in the second book he lives in a couple of (English) foster homes.
      Best of luck to you too.
      Jacky
      xxx

      Delete
  13. I love the name Archer. This sounds like such a fun MG, Jacky! I wish you the very best of luck. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks a lot Carrie,
      I had the very best fun writing it (even though it only took 18 days for the first draft, the editing is ongoing - like every time I open it!)
      Best of luck to you too. :)
      Cheers
      Jacky
      xxx

      Delete
  14. You forgot to say "would appeal to Renaissance Faire fanatics" like - ahem - myself for example. :) I like a good AU to put a twist on things. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your kind comment Becca, I'm assuming you too are a warrior, judging by your entry. I see you too have the Joss Whedon disease - I just wish I knew what to do to get another Firefly series :(.
      My books really do go down well with Re-enactors (the UK version of Renaissance) - Archer's alternate universe is definitely a place I'd like to live. Who needs electricity?
      Cheers
      Jacky
      xxx

      Delete
  15. Oh, this sounds like fun! Good luck!

    ~entry 68

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nicole, you don't know the half of it! Real live Archers and Knights in Shining Armour, not to mention playing with real-live swords and shields, wearing chain-mail and touring the workshop of an actual bowman/fletcher. I now have my very own, custom-made sword, a replica dagger and an awesome pike, but the pride and joy of my collection is a goose-feathered arrow made to medieval spec (with barbed and armour piercing bodkins!) And the less said about my hand carved rowan wand and staff, the better.
      Cheers
      Jacky
      xxx

      Delete
  16. Ooh, very cool concept, and it sounds like your novel has lots of fun action scenes... I studied abroad in Scotland, so I LOVE anything with medieval and/or Celtic references. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thanks so much for you interest Hali, I had a lot of fun researching and writing these books - I still am.
    Cheers
    Jacky
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  18. Love the concept! I'm obsessed with the TV show Merlin, so I'm already half won over. ^_^ Just have a couple of notes—

    I think the last paragraph of your query is good, but since it's not part of the 'plot description' paragraphs, it's not actually needed for the purposes of the contest. I don't think it'll hurt your chances in the least, just a heads up. =) The body of the query, though, seems to lack focus. I think it has to do with too many details, instead of distilling the story down to its basic focus and elements. I got lost in the constant introduction of new information—there are several new things per sentence, and I think the query loses the power it could have. I'm sure everything mentioned is important to the story, but much of the info in the query is extra tidbits I don't need to entice me. I'm left not really knowing what the story is about, or which points of the plot are vitally important, which will probably leave an agent to assume the novel itself is full of tangents and has no true focus.

    As a side note, this doesn't sound like middle grade, because the age of the protagonist(16?) puts it very soundly in young adult territory. Protags in middle grade are 11 to 14, YA is 15(can be 14, if the content is more mature) to 18.

    To comment on the first page, it felt distant and tell-y, like I, as the reader, am being fed information instead of the story yielding it up naturally. What is Archer thinking about at this very moment, regardless of what the reader 'needs to know'? Because we actually don't need to know those details—not yet. It would actually make it more exciting if mystery was maintained, so I don't really know if this is a friendly match, or what started this, etc.

    As for the distance, 'he/Archer felt' phrases are the most obvious perpetrators—for a more specific example; 'Archer felt the warmth of brotherhood'. What does the warmth of brotherhood feel like? I'm being told he feels it, but I don't know what that feeling actually is—it's not shown. Then the following description of their relationship bogs down the scene; let the reader see their interaction, see their feelings towards each other. Your reader is trusting you to tell an engaging story—trust the reader to infer their friendship. Inferring it instead of being told that they're friends makes it feel much more genuine on the page, and forces the rest of the writing to work harder.

    To summarize: get inside Archer's head, and "show, don't tell". =) This has excellent potential—the ideas are definitely there, and with the execution strengthened, this could be really great. Good luck, and good luck in the contest! =)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Dear Amanda,
    Thanks for your detailed analysis, every little bit of constructive crit tightens up the flab, I am learning all the time. I'm a little frustrated 'cos I had the query down to 200 words for ABNA, where it made it through to the second round as a YA. Then I beefed it up to try and make it more MG friendly - wrong decision. We live and learn.
    The YA/MG is a toughie - it could go either way, but on balance, the action is a little to clean (Archer is all about honour and integrity) to satisfy the post-vampire/dystopian YA's - think the first couple of Harry Potters. It gets grittier and dirtier in the second book when he meets modern teens.
    I love your ideas about improving the start - will definitely take note.
    Cheers
    Jacky
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No problem! Just a side note, I'm 19, so I've recently been/am still in the YA demographic, and I have to say that clean action would never be a negative for me—there's definitely a readership that is sick and tired of paranormal and dystopian and would see clean action, with honor and integrity, as a bonus. =) So if that's what's pushing it into MG for you, maybe reconsider? Every agent I've heard of will label a story with a 16-year-old protagonist as YA.

      Delete
    2. Yay, glad to hear it Amanda. As a high school teacher, I do worry about the focus of some of the books deemed appropriate for YA. It was comments from beta readers who suggested Archer's antics were a bit Famous Five (that's kinda like Disneyfied)that pushed me down to upper MG. Archer's fans range from 10 to 74, but the majority are "women of a certain age" (19-60)!
      I've actually self published with "Adult" and "kid-friendly" covers - they seem to be working quite well so far.
      Cheers
      Jacky
      xxx

      Delete
  20. Wow, sounds like this is one elaborate tale!! What a lot of effort and care you have put into it!!

    Good luck in the contest!

    Summer - #40

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Summer,
      Because it was such a joy to write, the first draft poured out in only 18 days (including most of the research). There have been many thousands of man-hours involved in cutting and polishing since then, but I am still happy to accept any suggestions to add a little more sparkle.
      Cheers
      Jacky
      xxx

      Delete
  21. Now that all the coaches have picked, this is the query I wish I’d posted. Thanks to all those who left encouraging and constructive comments, particularly Darci, Jamie, Veronica and most especially the Awesome Amanda (anything but aspiring!)

    Here is the new improved version (a lean, mean 158 words):
    Archer doesn’t belong. In case he has any doubts, Edlyn will go to any lengths to show him that he never could.

    As if the Beltane graduation competition isn’t tough enough, Archer needs a huge dose of honour and integrity to win through the extra challenges as Edlyn tries hard to sabotage his chances in every round. It’s not simply about the jousting and sword fighting, there’s even a gleeful moment when Archer takes to the stage as Robin Hood. He attracts plenty of female admirers, but there’s only one girl he really wants to kiss.

    When Edlyn crosses the wrong enchantress, he ends up in the ceremonial bonfire. Archer is faced with the ultimate dilemma – whether to defy her and risk his life to save his nemesis, or simply walk away.

    Although it has a distinctly medieval feel, ‘ARCHER’ is set in a modern-day, alternate England where teenagers enjoy archery and jousting instead of football and Facebook.

    ReplyDelete
  22. We're all still learning mum. Your original query was good but I must admit the second one is better. That's alright though - we'll carry on with what we have and submit this one again later. I know you're brilliant and apparently so do lots of other people on here :) Good luck to all on here (and all those who got in - esp. you Tim!!), but I must admit my allegiance lies with Jacky!

    Jacky Gray Fan 4 Life!!! =D (wow, it's been a long time since I substituted a "4" for "for"... I feel like a kid again!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dearest Daughter Mine,
      Although Tim and I got into the free-for-all, we have not been picked for the coaching, but when I consider the opposition, I feel privileged to have been passed over for such awesomeness. As ever, I have learnt bundles.
      Now the flurry of excitement is over I can return to critiquing a rather splendiferous Victorian story an excellent friend of mine asked me to look at.
      Cheers for your support babe,
      Jacky
      xxx

      Delete
  23. Interesting concept. I would suggest you streamline your query some more. The only thing that threw me off in the excerpt was at the very beginning. I think I would note who was saying it. Love the photos on your blog. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Sharon,
      Ideally, I would love to have a query in 30 words or less, but I can't get the inspiration yet.
      I have not tagged the first couple of lines of dialogue as they are just voices in a crowd. Archer has no idea who shouted them, they just drew his attention to his friends in the crowd.
      Glad you like the pix.
      Cheers
      Jacky
      xxx

      Delete
    2. 30 words? Is that because you were so impressed by the submission who thought a logline only was required? See Brenda Drake's successful query - far more than 30 words.

      Delete