Plighting your Troth

You gotta love the olde-worlde speak. Well, maybe not gotta, but many of us do.
Decode: to Plight One's Troth is literally to Pledge One's Truth.
Almost everyone associates it with a proposal of marriage, and maybe, in a series of wedding-related blogs, this one shoulda come first. But such is life.

Hence we have a betrothal (literally, be true), nowadays known as an engagement, where you are affianced to your prospective wife/husband. Hence fiance. All good stuff.

So what did it mean back in medieval times? So many customs which modern women would find downright insulting - but back then, the fairer sex were naught but chattels to be bought/sold and used by our betters (i.e. men)

Eligibility
Once the marriage settlement had been agreed (between the families), there would be a betrothal ceremony. If one of the participants was a very young child, the betrothal wasn’t always binding. Effectively, where children had not yet reached the age of reason, it was much easier to wriggle out of a marriage alliance than after. Seven was regarded as the age of reason and after that time is was harder to break a betrothal. A full coming of age was twelve for girls and fourteen for boys.

One of my favourite scenes from a top-10 movie "Moonstruck" sees Cher demanding her hapless would-be fiance get down on bended knee while Bobo the waiter complains:
"She's got him on his knees. He's ruining his suit."

And then later, she gets another proposal from the guy's brother - the yummy Nick Cage.

via GIPHY
If you've never seen this ultimate feel-good family film, it's a start-to-finish romp about how not to plan a wedding. Utter Genius!

The Dowry
As in "money, goods, or estate which a woman brings to her husband in marriage."
Charming, eh?
Essentially, it meant the Father of the bride had to pay a bunch of money to a guy to take his daughter off his hands. Which is why, with five daughter's to offload, poor old Mr Bennet is such a quivering wreck for most of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. That and an overbearing wife ...
The closest we get to it in modern day is the idea that the bride's father should pay for the wedding. Although in my experience, it's way more likely the bulk of the cost is down to the couple getting wed, and some spend the first few years in hock to personal loans. Ah well, it's all good practice for when those sprogs start a-popping.

The Ring
The exchanging of betrothal rings dates back to the ancient Egyptians, who believed circles were symbols of eternity. Wedded couples exchanged rings made out of braided reeds. These were worn on the left hand ring finger, which apparently had a vein that ran directly to the heart, later named Vena amoris.
Western European countries wear their engagement rings on their right hands, instead of their left. This is also common in England, France, Germany, and Norway. Russia and Canada also follow this tradition. Once you're married, tradition dictates that your engagement band be moved back to the third finger on your left hand. When you do so, your wedding ring should remain closest to your heart (where your spouse placed it on your wedding day) and your engagement ring is placed next to the wedding ring. Many of these traditions get passed down from generation to generation, but the meanings of the rings symbolize the same ideas no matter what finger the ring is worn on: love and fidelity.

The Bended Knee
During the Middle Ages, chivalry was not yet dead and formal courtship was the medieval version of modern-day dating. Kneeling was also the protocol for many ceremonial rituals and rites of passage, including those of the romantic kind. Medieval artwork and literature shows knights genuflecting before their feudal lord as a sign of honor and respect, or kneeling in front of a noblewoman to express their eternal servitude and admiration in a show of “courtly love.”



The Venue
Back then, the strict etiquette rules meant a young noblewoman could not be alone with her beau, so in theory, all proposals were in front of some manner of chaperone - and only after the suitor had sought (and gained) the approval of his prospective father-in-law. In most cases, this meant it would have taken place in some kind of "parlour" or equivalent of a drawing room.
For the peasants, there was a little more freedom, and it was not unknown for the proposal to be virtually on the way to the church.
Just like everything else to do with weddings, nowadays there is a huge variety of places - the more unusual the better, with people hiring musicians, sky-writing planes and people holding placards to ask the question. Rings can be hidden in a variety of receptacles from a banana to the bottom of a glass of champagne (hopefully with an anti-choke-hazard warning!) There are lots of ideas on the internet, I thought this was a great summary: https://www.stagweb.co.uk/blog/2016/01/25-awesome-marriage-proposal-ideas/, and I didn't get bugged by reams of intrusive ads - always a plus!

The Party
According to Wiki, olden-day engagement parties had the appearance of normal parties at which the father of the bride-to-be made a surprise announcement of the engagement to his guests. The engagement party had the purpose of sharing the engagement news with family members and friends. Therefore, it was not a traditional gift-giving occasion, as none of the guests were supposed to be aware of the engagement until after their arrival.
 In ancient Greece, an engagement party was a commercial transaction. It was essentially an oral contract, made between the man who gave the woman in marriage (usually her father) and the groom. The bride was not present.
A Jewish engagement party is known as a vort (Yiddish: word‎). Breaking a ceramic plate at a vort is customary, symbolizing the permanence of marriage and mirroring the breaking of a glass at a Jewish wedding.
In the Scottish Gaelic tradition, a rèiteach was a betrothal ritual which typically ended in a dance party for the whole community.

The Timing
Long engagements were once common in formal arranged marriages, and it was not uncommon for parents betrothing children to arrange marriages many years before the engaged couple were old enough. This is still common in some countries. The duration of the courtship varied vastly, and was largely dependent on cultural norms or upon the agreement of the parties involved.


While I was researching, I found this - top ten marriage proposals from movies.
Not surprisingly, "The Proposal," and "Four Weddings and a Funeral" are in there, but can you gues the top three? Have a go before you watch.


Here's how  the scene played out in 12 Days of Yule.
I was going for fun and originality - did I do it?

Jarl shuffled himself into a sitting position, favouring his wounded shoulder, but regaining some of his former agility and strength. He allowed Senna to administer the drink, then cleared his throat. “Thank you. And good morn to you. As you can see, I’m feeling much better.”

She put the beaker down and would have moved away, but he caught hold of her arm with his good hand.

“Wait. Before you dash off to start, I want you to know something.”

Tension filled her body at his touch, but she did not pull away for fear of hurting him. His smile was unexpected, but none the less devastating to her tenuous defences.

“Firstly, I don’t know if I should be affronted by the fact that you wake up in bed with me and your first thought is to tend to my needs as a patient.”

Mischief lit his eyes, and she mirrored it back. “What makes you think it my first thought?”

He laughed. “I choose to believe my own version of your other thoughts, and it makes me bolder. Senna … dash it, I should be down on my knees.”

“I recommend against that in your current state.”

“Always the healer first but, I hope, the woman second. Senna, I love you dearly. I have loved you since the first day with the pails and the yoke.”

“Stop, Jarl. Before you go any further, I have to know the truth about you and Eanje.”

He released her hand. “You know the truth. She was in trouble after her father died, and Tavern held back most of her wages because she refused to act the strumpet.”

“But that was a year ago. Why did she continue to live in your house after Shayla and Quinn left?”

“My cousin asked me not to sell it. Quinn’s business means they need somewhere local to stay for a few days every moon. So Shayla pays Eanje to tend the house. It works well because I’m rarely there.”

“But when you are …” She couldn’t finish the thought.

He nodded. “I see. You think I am … With Eanje. No. Definitely not. I promise you.” He shrugged. “The girl has no family to look after her. I have been staying in the hut my father built for me when I came of age.”

“So you are not … in love with her?”

“Absolutely not. I could never love anyone but you. I have never loved anyone but you.” His sincerity made Senna’s questions dry up, and she glanced away.

Jarl cleared his throat. “Will you do me the immeasurable honour of becoming my wife?”

“Oh, Jarl. You know I cannot.”

His face crumpled.

After a scant moment, he spoke, his voice a whisper. “Is it because you don’t trust me?” Without allowing time for an answer, his words tumbled out. “I have been searching my memory for the promises I may have broken, ever since he mentioned them, but ...”

“Who mentioned promises?” She butted in, her tone cautious.

“No one.” Again, he forged ahead before she could speak. “The only time which comes close was at Beltane when I pledged I would stop fighting the raiders and start training the militia instead. But I never broke that.”

“So why did you go back up north a week ago?”

“Because Dennon had a direct order from the council that he, Aleksi and I must join with men from every village to support the troop at the border and repel a massive force. But it turned out to be a falsehood. We had no chance, even before the ambush.”

“I see. In that case, you did not break your pledge.” A sly glance. “What else did Lyran say?”

“That I broke two promises and you could not trust … how did you know it was Lyran?”

“I know he watched over you when you were away. He’s been with me for the past moon, advising and protecting.”

Jarl recoiled. “He said I attacked you in a dream.”

“I was mistaken. It was Domenyk, wearing a glamour so I thought it was Lyran, then you.”

 “So, you do trust me, then?” He leaned forward – barely an inch.

She put her hand on her heart. “With my life.”

“And I haven’t broken another promise to you?”

“Not to me, no.”

“Then to whom?”

Her lips twitched. “To Lyran.”

“What? No, that cannot be. I vowed to take care of you, and that’s what I’ve been doing. I even gave up my livelihood for you. How is that breaking my pledge?”

“You promised him you would be my husband.”

“How can you know that?” He frowned.

“He made you repeat it three times to make it an oath.”

“Oh. He told you that?”

“No. I heard him ask you on the day of our handfasting.” She echoed his embarrassed expression.

“So you’ve always known?”

“That you made a vow? Yes.”

“That I love you.”

She glanced at him, mischief shining through her eyes. “Since that day with the yoke. I would have worked it out by myself, you know.”

“Of course I do. Now. But back then, I just wanted to impress you with how strong and smart I was.”

A giggle escaped her lips. “All I saw was a boy who respected his mother enough to learn what she taught him.” She paused as he absorbed this idea, and could almost see his mind wanting to ask the question she could never answer. Only one way to distract him; she bent forward and kissed him, something she’d wanted to do all those years ago when she was Lyrelie’s age.

He stiffened, not a wise reaction with his wound. Then he allowed himself to follow her lead, resulting in a kiss of such exquisite tenderness, her eyes filled with tears.

She finally had to breathe, so she pulled away, noting the moisture in the corner of his eyes. “Ask me again.” Her voice caught in her throat, and it took him a while to understand.

“Senna, love of my life. Will you do me the immeasurable honour of becoming my wife?”

“Yes, Jarl. I will marry you. As soon as I am able to.”

He glared at her. “You mean …? Why did you not say that when I asked you earlier.”

“Because I was teasing. If you’d waited, I would have added not until my mourning year finished. But at least I now know you are doing it for the right reasons.”

“I said I love you – is that not enough?”

“Men speak those words lightly. I needed to be certain.”

“And now you are?”

“Yes, Jarl. I know you love me as I love you.”
     “Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go and see if the Archdruid is busy.” He threw aside the covers, but the action caused pain.
      “Calm yourself. We have several weeks yet.”

Wedding Party Roles

Attendants of the Happy Couple

Ancient Roman law required 10 witnesses to be present at a wedding, which is considered a precursor to the bridal party tradition. Traditionally, in many countries, bridesmaids and groomsmen had to dress just like the bride and groom to confuse vengeful spirit presences (or real-life jealous suitors) who might try to harm the newlyweds.

Another origin story for the bridesmaid tradition is Biblical: When Jacob married Leah and Rachel, each brought her own “maid,” but these were personal servants who tended to the bride's every need. The bride was often accompanied by a child meant to symbolize a fruitful union. Flower petals tossed in the bride’s pathway were representative of the way to a beautiful future.

In a time in which “marriage by capture” was practiced, close friends of the groom would assist him in taking the bride from her family. They’d form a small army to fight off angry relatives so that he could escape with her. In some early traditions, the groomsmen were called Bride’s Knights, because they helped protect her—and her dowry, and her virginity—or because they assisted in her kidnapping.

Bridesmaids of the past also used to walk down the aisle with aromatic bunches of garlic, herbs, and grains to drive evil spirits away (and to help make things smell nice). Being a bridesmaid was considered a good way to procure a husband. In the 16th century, if you had served as bridesmaid three times without getting married yourself, it was believed that evil spirits had cursed you. To break the spell, you’d have to be a bridesmaid four more times, for a total of seven rounds on the wedding circuit.

In early Victorian times, tradition called for all-white weddings, so bridesmaids—who were supposed to be younger than the bride—wore white dresses with short veils, contrasting with the bride’s more ornate veil and train. By the 20th century, this had fallen out of favor, and the bride alone wore white to better stand out. Victorian bridesmaids were tasked with making party favors out of things like ribbons and flowers and pinning them onto the sleeves and shoulders of guests as they left the ceremony.

Historically, no person of status went out unattended, and the size of the retinue was closely calculated to be appropriate to the family's social status. A large group of bridesmaids/groomsmen provided an opportunity for showing off the family's social status and wealth.

Nowadays, the number of bridesmaids in a wedding party is dependent on many variables, including a bride's preferences, the size of her family, and the number of (family) attendants her partner would like to have as well.

The male equivalent of a bridesmaid is the groomsman, known in the UK as an usher from one of the original functions, that of escorting guests to their seats.

In some cultures, particularly in Europe, one (or more) of the bridesmaids can be a small girl, frequently carrying flowers during the wedding procession and known as a flower girl.

Parents of the Bride/Groom
Father of the bride: The Anglo-Saxon word "wedd" means a pledge or vow. This could refer to the groom vowing to marry the woman, or the barter money or trade agreement with the bride's father for his daughter. The bride's father would setup a contract with the groom, involving land, social status, or political reputation. A female child in those days was known to be property of her father and so the transferring of "ownership" to her groom on her wedding day was a legality. The tradition of "giving away" signifies that the bride's family no longer had control over her or her possessions (dowry) and her husband would take on the responsibilities and obligations her father once boasted. The tradition of taking his hand and placing the groom's on the bride's is symbolic of the "passing" of his property or duty.

Nowadays, the most common functions of the bride's father are to accompany his daughter to the church, lead her down the aisle where he "gives her away." He often gives some manner of speech thanking people for attending and toasting the bride and groom. In many weddings, he will dance with his daughter, and it is still traditional for the bride's parents to pay for the reception, if not the whole thing.

Mother of the bride: Historically, the bride's mother planned most of the wedding, organising the church, reception, catering, guests and accommodation for out-of-towners. Nowadays, many couples take care of it themselves, or engage a wedding planner. Great emphasis is placed on the emphasis of the mother's outfit, usually including a hat (or fascinator), and most mums will coordinate with the grooms mother to ensure their outfits do not clash or - horror of horrors - are identical.

Mother of the groom: There's a not-so-nice traditional saying about what the mother of the groom is supposed to do: show up, shut up, and wear beige. For most people, that saying is not true and there are some distinct responsibilities of most mothers of the groom, such as supplying a list of the groom's relatives, paying for certain events like the rehearsal dinner and, if he is keen, dancing with her son.


For more details about the history and roles of the wedding party, there are some great websites and books - I recommend you try:
https://mentalfloss.com/article/57821/21-historical-roles-and-responsibilities-wedding-party
https://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/bridesmaids-groomsmen-history

https://www.thespruce.com/wedding-and-father-of-the-bride-1270128

Save the Date: The Occasional Mortifications of a Serial Wedding Guest

The Time of my Life

Well, if you're doing a post about the wedding dance, there is only one song really ...
via GIPHY


But let's start at the beginning.
Back in medieval times, there would be dancing at weddings, but not as we know it.
For those of noble birth, there would be small entertainments throughout the feast, involving minstrels and musicians. After the feast (or sometimes between courses), the guests would join in the formal, structured dances of the time - like the one in A Knight's Tale.

For the peasants, it was more likely to be the local version of a "carole" - a chain dance with everyone joining hands  and moving in a circle to the left in an energetic romp. There may be a few percussion instruments like bells, drums and occasionally a lute or "gittern," like a guitar, but if nothing else, the dancers would accompany themselves by singing various songs.

The idea of the "first dance" originated in the middle ages, when the guest of honour normally performed a short dance with his wife as the grand opening to a ball. Research has brought up a number of different proposals for first dances:

• In 16th Century, a "country dance" would have been performed.
• In 17th Century France, it would have likely been a Minuet.
• 18th Century Debutante Balls frequently opened with a Cotillion.
• In Victorian Britain (19th Century), they preferred a Quadrille.
• In 19th Century Russia, a Polonaise would have opened an Empire Ball.

When did it become commonplace at weddings? Your guess is as good as mine.
I found this wonderful summary from Fiona Kelly:
"I love a first dance, however it’s done, and its particularly wonderful when it’s fun and heartfelt. A bit of action is always good to see, but a sweet dance between two people who are lost in each other is equally as lovely.
Sources I found tell me it dates back further to the days when the groom used to steal his bride and would show off his new wife to his friends by dancing her around the fire before the celebrations could begin. This evolved into the era when brides were bought from their fathers and the first dance would be a sort of fertility ceremony. Whereas now it’s generally considered a romantic moment, a continuation of a couple’s marriage vows to one another. Some couples find it a bit strange to have everyone stand and watch them dance, so often invite other couples to join in after the first verse and chorus."

And another photographer gave this advice: "Should you have the first dance at a wedding? The choice, Ladies and Gents, is entirely yours! But if you do decide to do something special and choreographed please please make sure to inform your wedding photographer and videographer beforehand!"

I would like to add another warning based on my own experience. The whole "First dance" thing was maybe not such a "thing" back in 1986, but whatever the reason, it didn't come up for us until the dj came to set up for the evening session. When he asked what to play for the first dance, my hubby and I named "our tune" - a song by Randy Crawford called "You Bring the Sun Out."
He didn't have it, so instead he played David Bowie's "Modern Love." It was horrible to dance to - way too fast, and I was a tad annoyed at the time, thinking he'd only picked it because one of the lyrics is "Get me to the church on time."
But I heard it on the radio the other day and my first thought was, "That was our wedding song." My second thought went along the lines of how cool it was to have a song by Bowie, who is a huge hero of mine, particularly since the movie Labyrinth (one of my top 5 movies), which actually released in 1986. There's some serendipity, right there.